Wednesday, January 29, 2014

She's Lost Control Again

First off, I have no idea why I keep using lyrics as blog titles, but I've done this many times in the past as well, so... Yeah. Let's just pretend it makes me cool.
This is another cautionary tale about robots. Recently, my husband and I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? It's really quite amazing. You log your height, weight, and measurements, then tell it what your goal is. Mine, as I assume most people who use this would be, is to lose weight. It then spits out a complete nutritional breakdown of what you should eat in a day.
For me, I want to lose twenty-five pounds. It's a reasonable goal and honestly, I may have gone a little overboard on the holiday binge eating, so it's not like twenty-five pounds is going to make me bone thin, just healthier. Plus, for me, my biggest issue is cholesterol and staying withing a normal hemoglobin A1c level, so now I can track my fats and sugars instead of just calories. How can this go wrong?
Um, guys? I just handed control of my food intake, that stuff that keeps me alive, over to a robot. A robot who is slowly starving me to death.
Okay, to be fair, when I first became diabetic, I logged everything I ate in a notebook along with my blood sugar readings and exercise log. It was amazingly useful and I managed to lose almost fifty pounds in a year. On average, I was eating between 1200 and 1800 calories a day. My diet hasn't changed that much since then, but I did put ten pounds back on that I haven't been able to take back off.
Hence the robotic personal assistant. For whatever reason, watching my available calories (out of 1500) dwindle is nerve racking. If I go too low, I can exercise in attempt to reclaim some calories for the next meal. Naturally, I want to please my new fitness overlords, so I try to come in under goal on the bad stuff and over goal on the good stuff. I am a good minion.
But I'm so freaking hungry! Remember, I used to eat less than that all the time and I never had a problem. I think my robot is testing me.I've already passed the first test, which was acknowledging that the robots know what's good for me better than I do. This is a test to see how much physical trauma I can endure. This is a test to see if I become one of the Agent Smiths or if I get stuck in a bathtub full of goo to be harnessed for energy. 
I'm waiting to see what happens when the app begins communicating with my Fitbit. I fear the day when my motivational messages become commands to go faster, give more, push, stop being a girly-man! But I'll do it, crying the whole time, complaining about the stitch in my side, the cramps in my legs, my shin splints, mashing my damaged feet into bloody stumps.
Because I don't want to be robot food.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Two Brake Thee Roux Elles...

...Won messed no thee rue els.
Thesis annex spearmint inn witch eye well ink core rectally you swords tush owed at lung wedge hiss aye mew table, endeavor chain ching, buddy oeuvre Moe shin.
Theory sun fourth is mace empass eve egress if beak as, tube eon ast, eye yam sic oeuvre sea ink graham air elated Kahn ten ton fey spook. Eye half scene tomb any touque air an amore. Eff Undon no witches thick or act verse shun oeuvre yore two you sin ace an tense, they rare play says Yukon leer nab out core act graham Aaron line.
Bud I'd out men knife oaks knead ream hinders offbase ick elm and trees cool ink lash. Beak as office, Eiffel though spoused tzar men tush aim hour mist aches handle low forty orange in Alpo stir essence offs mug soup eerie or eighty. Stab e-ink ag ram are not sea!
Sari, knot sari.

Friday, January 17, 2014

I Told You So

Read THIS ARTICLE then go back and read THIS BLOG POST that I wrote a while back.

And you thought I was being funny...

I welcome out new Google overlords.*

*And would like to remind them that that this message was written on my Nexus 7 Android tablet.

*Also: Please accept this as my application for the position of Princess Robot Commander.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Social(ly Awkward) Media Part 2

So it's been roughly a year since I threw myself to the social media wolves. That should have been plenty of time to get the hang of this whole being clever and engaging thing, right?
As it turns out, I'm simply not good at social media, and I'm okay with that. Here's what I've learned:

So far, Facebook seems to be the best platform because it's the most honest. I don't have a lot of followers, but those that do follow me do so because they chose to. I get to say whatever crap comes to my mind and people respond or not as they see fit. What I don't like is how Facebook seems to suppress certain posts, specifically, those with links to my books or this blog. They do this because they want me to pay to boost my posts. I can't pay them because I need sales to make money. It's a bit of a vicious cycle.
Twitter is just terrible. I am officially doing Twitter wrong. Twitter requires a LOT of interaction with strangers who will push your work provided you push theirs. I'm a generous person and I'm looking for underserved artists to promote, but I have a confession: I don't like being asked to promote someone any more than I like asking someone to promote me.
That being said, I'm always on the lookout for artists to promote! I've got a couple of book reviews going up on this site this week for books I enjoyed and I'd love to get a few more artists as well. But that's just it, these are things I enjoy. If you ask me to promote your book on 100 ways to get more money out of pyramid schemes, I'm probably not going to do it.
Goodreads is another one I don't get, but it has perks. I'm not social on Goodreads mainly because I have no idea how, but it does offer me the ability to track how well my books are doing and I like that. Maybe one day I'll join a discussion... Whatever that means.
And finally, there's this blog. I love this blog! Blogs are awesome! Blogs don't limit writers to a set number of characters. Writers don't like limitations. But this blog gets an F minus for making me social because all I do is grumpily complain about how terrible I am at being social. Okay, I do have other things to say as well, but blogs don't work as social media platforms if no one reads them and um...see my Facebook complaint above.

I feel like this should bother me enough to make me want to change, but it doesn't. Okay, sure, it bothers me, but I'm a hard wired internet introvert and I don't think I can change. So I won't dwell on it. Instead, my focus for year two of being a, uh, ahem, 'public figure' will be to focus on writing the books that I love, writing blog entries that will make you question my sanity (if you don't already), posting status updates that may or may not just be pictures of my dogs and my delicious meals, and not worrying about what I'm doing wrong.
Okay, fine, I'll scale back on the food pics, gosh!