Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Career Confessional: Anonymous Infamy

What's your dream job? Obviously, mine is to be a successful author. But I also have a fantasy dream job. What is a fantasy dream job? It's a job that either doesn't actually exist (kitten and puppy cuddler), or the actual job isn't as glamorously two dimensional as we envision it to be (zamboni driver). On a recent trip to San Francisco, I was reminded of my dream job, as well as the reason it's a pipe dream.
You see, I have this unique talent wherein I talk just like a pre-recorded message. Not a week goes by without at least one person asking, "Is this a machine?" when I answer the phone. It's not simply a matter of articulation, a steady pace, or speaking with a complete absence of regional dialects, though all of these are important. The secret is inflection; punctuating certain syllables that would earn you odd looks in casual conversation, yet somehow invoke a subconscious clarity of understanding in the listener when delivered by a disembodied voice.
In short, I talk real pretty. So naturally, you might think I'd want to be a radio DJ, intrepid news reporter, or a voiceover actor, like the "In a world" guy who does movie trailers. Those all sound like fun, I admit, but no, I know my calling.
I want to be the voice that announces train arrivals. I want to be simultaneously loved and hated by commuters. If a train station is unavailable, I wouldn't mind being the cheerful voice at the airport that reminds you about the TSA baggage regulations every so often. And if neither of those jobs are available, I'd take the elevator at a snooty department store, but I'd totally use a phony British accent for that.
So how does one get to be a disembodied voice? Apparently, it's a tough nut to crack. You have to become an actual voice actor and be signed on with an agency, who will then farm you out to businesses on a needs basis.
Oh yeah, and it isn't a steady paycheck.
So for now I'll stick to independently publishing books as to avoid the sticky agent situation, but as soon as the world recognizes the need for independent train voice actors, I'm totally on that trend!

3 comments:

  1. I like it! 2nd career! Fund that retirement! PLK

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  2. I'd like to read books on CD- or mp3, or whatever they are these days. Also, I'd like to be a prostitute.

    Just kidding.

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    Replies
    1. Well if you read a book where the main character is a prostitute it would almost be like being one.

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