Monday, July 29, 2013

Anyone Could Have Been A Vampire

I bet you thought I was never going to stop talking about robots. Yes, I am aware that the name of this blog is Vampires and Robots, not OMG I HEART ROBOTZ OMG!!!

Though I might have considered that.

See, the thing is, I write about vampires in my books, so I spend a lot of time thinking about them and forget that I barely mention them here. So now I will remedy that with a post dedicated entirely to vampires.

One of the more enjoyable aspects of writing a 'plausible' vampire series is that I get to dig through history, find famous folks of dubious character, and shoehorn them into the vampire profile that I've created. It's also the most time consuming, which says more about my obsessive behavior, considering that I take 90% of what I research and throw it out the window before writing my own version of history. Given this method, it seems as though my search for interesting characters in history is a bit unnecessary. Anyone, at any point in history could have been a vampire.
Well, except Abe Lincoln because he's apparently Buffy now.

I could be a vampire. The vegetarian thing could totally be a cover. I'm prone to blistering sunburns despite the fact that I used to brown up nicely as a child. I'm blinded in anything brighter than total cloud cover without my sunglasses. I have difficulty going to sleep at a reasonable hour, but when I do, I sleep like the dead and I'm hard to wake. I have lots of pointy teeth. I wear a lot of black.
Do an experiment. Find three people, politicians do not count because that's too easy, and look for clues that they could be a vampire. I guarantee you will find them. Obviously there are easy ones. Christopher Lee, for example: older than dirt, played a vampire famously, makes metal music, has a sinister yet trustworthy look about him. Total vampire.

But what about, say Bill Murray? Not exactly an attractive man, but charismatic enough that if he started a cult we would all join. Sure, he's aged a bit since Ghost Busters, but how do you know you're not seeing what he wants you to see?

Okay, so Hollywood types sort of lend themselves to vampirism because sin and debauchery kind of come with the territory. Let's go for a challenge.

Now, the problem I run into with picking the most selfless people in history is that they all tend to be religious types. I mean, they aren't called saints for nothing. But I'm not that controversial, so I'll leave those musings to you. Instead, let's pick on two billionaire philanthropists that everyone knows; Bill Gates and JK Rowling.

Ignoring The Onion's claims that Rowling baths in the blood of virgins to inspire her books, she's a pretty good example of the modern success story, amassing her billions by writing books that ignited a passion for reading in a demographic that had been on a literary decline. Not satisfied to rest on that accomplishment, she donated a massive chuck of that money to charities. How can she be a vampire? Well for starters, have you seen her? I mean, no, she's not exactly elderly. But she looks pretty good for someone who spent a decade pouring their soul into seven tremendously sized books. Writing causes gray hair. Trust me, I know this. It also causes wrinkles and stress and all kinds of hell on the mind and body. Writing a massive hit and knowing you have to follow it up with six more would make the most beautiful super model look like the crypt keeper after a decade. Yet Rowling breezes into interviews looking nearly the same today as she did in the 90s.

Besides, how exactly do you think she knew so much about the dark arts? And all that Latin she flings around? Yeah, it was probably her first language. Everyone knows the most powerful vampires are the ones who were alive during the Roman empire.

Now on to Gates. Same as Rowling, that guy may have a few lines now, but the stress of working 23 hours a day in front of a glowing console, under the harsh fluorescent lights, existing on Doritos and Mountain Dew while starting his empire should have set him back at least, what, four or five heart attacks? Nope, the guy amassed billions, gave us a browser no one wanted, and goes off to atone for his transgressions by making sure the world has clean toilets. Oh yeah, and if you follow the popular theory of sparkling vamps, you may notice that unlike nearly every other tech firm, Microsoft isn't situated in Silicon Valley. Rather, it's located in Redmond, WA, which is a mere 200 miles from Forks.

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